Isaiah 43

something is troubling me
and i just dont know whats wrong
neither do i know what is troubling me
so i decided to just forget about homework today
cause i just cant make myself do any further
and my heart is like wandering off

then when i wasw reading online bible
i found this :
18 "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

Isaiah 43:18- this verse just stick out of all the other verses that i randomly picking
somehow i'm just lying to myself
self assuring that i'm walking close with God
when i am still like the past
where i am still not walking right with God
when my focus isn't right
and i just didn't moved out of it yet

why do i look like i'm gaining sympathy
which i dont want to!!
why do i look like some hypocrite who wants
people attention??

i feel pathetic when i'm not able to be like the past
when i was the one encouraging others
then now to get people to constantly reminding to smile
to be able to smile at the worse of all things that happen to me
but to dwell on the mistakes that i once done
not able to control my emotions as well as i used to..

maybe i really did lost my first love
doing all my ministries work with my strength
and not relying on God
now is God revelation to my life
telling me that my life doesn't pleased Him
and my attitude and focus is wrong..

looking at the pictures that are flashing at my screen
it reminds me how time past
when people around me has the widest smile on their face
and to be able to laugh and joke
but now when i see their face
its just like mine
the face that once radiate when you see their smile
gone, vanish, disappear
and those whom care for me and whom i care
is slipping away from my view
and never getting to see them again..

my heart just hurt when i'm reminded of such things
and i just cant seems to let go
of those people who are once part of my life
now leaving me for whatsoever reasons
WHY GOD?! WHY IS IT WHEN I'M TRYING TO
KNOW YOUR PEOPLE BETTER THAT YOU
TAKE THEM AWAY FROM MY REACH??

when brokeness is what you want,
why heal me when you want to break it again?
~weiyang~